As I mentioned before there have been a lot of things I've wanted to post about Josh, memories, things I don't want to forget, little moments that have popped in my head, and other thoughts I don't want to forget. Things have been pretty hectic with summer festiviites, but Josh is always on my mind and heart. It sometimes takes a lot more effort and a few more tears to put it here which is why I often times, most times don't post Joshua's Journeys as much as I'd like. I don't want to forget, but at the same time in my heart I know I won't and some moments are so personal, feelings and bonds that can't be articulated, and I can't even approach some of the subject matter in a mere blog post. However, a few things that have caught my attention over the past few weeks. First was back on father's day when I cut Jillian's bangs. I had always thought she resembled Josh quite a bit, but thought that I was maybe stretching that a bit. She definitely has the same big blue breathtaking eyes. A lot of times when I look at her on the monitor laying in Josh's crib--her crib too-- I do a double take because she lays in ways that he did, and looks like him on a black and white monitor. I've shown Phil sometimes how her hair will lay upwards making her head seem bigger on top (the lightbulb look of a kid with hydrocephally) and I immediately think how much she looks like Josh. In pictures if I put my hand over their foreheads to take away that hydrocephally forehead where it gets bigger their face shapes are very similar. Of course Jillian has always had more weight on her from the beginning so her cheeks are a bit more filled out. But when I cut her hair I was picking up snippings to put in an envelope just like I had done with Joey, and like Tina did for us for Josh's first shunt surgery. As I picked up the hair my heart skipped a beat. I hadn't noticed it before and went digging through Josh's baby book to find his hair clippings. Sure enough a near perfect match! I remember when Josh went in for his first shunt surgery Tina mentioned the anesthesiologist call him a "ginger" meaning he had reddish hair. It was news to us, we thought he was blondish brown, and the more surgeries the poor kid had the more it looked blonde because of the way it grew back. He had a major head of hair compared to Joey who was almost bald his whole first year of life. Many people have mentioned to me in the past that they think Jillian has a reddish tint to her hair as well. I always thought it was like mine, brown but when I was a kid had some golden highlights from the sun. After cutting it and comparing whatever color hair you want to say the hue is, they are the same!
When Joey went to see Cars 2 I couldn't stop thinking about where Josh would be at this point in his life. What milestones would he have hit? Would he still be trached? We were planning on his first birthday trying to work on getting trach free, but it is a process. I couldn't help but think how he'd love staring at the big screen with all the colors for his big eyes to take in. He was profoundly deaf to where he'd hear a jet plane if he was right next to it, but it may be that he'd feel the vibration more than anything, but I'd wonder if he'd hear anything since movies can be quite loud at times. Even when we were at the carnival the other day, I know Josh would not do well on a ride...maybe I'd be more worried than him since CHARGE kids love to spin! But even then I was reminded of how he'd look around in amazement at his surroundings and you could just see him soaking every little thing in.
As Joey and Jillian get older I am losing the comparison stages. Jillian's pictures are looking like a little girl, not a baby. Joey is turning 3, and I have pictures of Josh frozen in time under a year old.
1 Year (Josh just over 8 months):
18 months (Jillian newborn), 2 years, 2 1/2 years:
Tomorrow Jillian will be 18 months, and Sunday Joey will be 3 years! My, my how time does fly!