I miss Joshua every day, but holidays and anniversaries (of surgeries, milestones, and many other anniversaries of his life) make me ache for him that much more. Mother's Day is certainly one of those times. Joshua made me a mom before he was even born. He taught me to persevere in trying to get and stay pregnant. Once I did get pregnant with Josh and Joey, Josh started giving me a run for my money. The stubborn little guy wanted into this world very badly but also wanted me to slow down and realize the journey I was on; from my cerclage at 19 weeks which put me on bed rest, along with numerous hospital visits and stays, not to mention the terbutaline pump and other efforts to keep them in as long as possible. Then at 32 weeks and 6 days the shock of being told Josh is pushing way to hard to get out and my water will break so its go time happens and the fireworks begin! Josh is delivered first without a cry, nurses rushing over him to get him breathing, rushing him out of the room only catching a quick glimpse of him in his warmer as he is whisked past me, and then seeing Joey somewhat briefly as well before entering recovery. Not having been able to hold either of my children, I was driven once again to get up and recover as quickly as I could so I could get to the NICU and see the boys I had been dreaming of for so long (well, not as long as I should have, but long enough!). Within 2 hours of an emergency c-section I mustered up the strength to go to the bathroom to get the catheter out and walk so I could get up and see the two sweetest little guys in the world!
Josh asked me to be a mom in so many ways from the very beginning, learning to sacrifice, prioritize, trust, and most importantly love. I never knew as most moms find out once they have their children that I could love so much and on so many levels. I learned in a trail by fire way how to care for two boys, one not being able to be heard when he cries, needing me to have that one ear open while sleeping instinct in case he needs to be suctioned. Having twins in the NICU and then one at home and one in the hospital, followed by the two of them at home, then Josh back in the hospital, and his passing, Josh also taught me the importance and strength of my marriage and of the people to which I am closest to. It was with Josh's life that I learned what I truly value the most in my life and to not be afraid to share love with others.
Words cannot articulate how I miss you and wish you were here each and every day. I cannot wait to see you again. Thank you for being the first to make me a mommy. "Mommy loves Joshy."