Wolves Game

Last weekend we went to the Wolves game! The pregame activities were lots of fun, but the kids really enjoyed the fireworks, fire, and game. Both have said they want to go back soon!

March 14-April 13 in review

Yes, once again a lot to update. I left off on March 14, the date Joshua met the Lord. This year, as we have in the past and plan to do in the future, pulled the kids out of school and had a family day. Each year there are more and more questions from not only Joey, but Jill as well. We told them that it was because of Josh that we were able to have the family day going to Rainforest Cafe and Legoland! We first went to Assumption where Joey insisted on bringing a few things for Josh, and Jill followed with a toy of her own. Jill also picked up her "Josh puppy" a puppy that was at his site, but she felt Josh had left for her. Since Joey and Josh usually share cars it was only fair to let Jill share the puppy. So it got a good cleaning, and Jill is taking great care of it. We went from Assumption to Rainforest Cafe one of the kids' favorite restaurants! After our early lunch we headed right over to Legoland! It was the perfect family activity for us that day; some therapeutic building, a couple of rides, and then a 3d movie that maybe pushed it a little too far for Jill. We ended up coming home with a good starter set of Duplo legos and a couple of kits for Joey and Daddy. We spent the rest of the day at our dining room table playing with legos and talking. A couple weeks later it was Easter! We celebrated the day before Easter going to the park district for the Bunny Bash along with Auntie, Grandma, Andrew, Emma, and their Grammy and Papa from NY. They were in for Easter weekend and to celebrate Emma's 3rd birthday! After a bunch of crafts, games, and egg hunt at the park district it was home for naps and then Emma's birthday party. The next morning the Easter bunny came and then it was off to church by Grandma's. After church we headed to Grandma's house to start our ravioli making tradition, color eggs, and stop off to Assumption and then time for the rest of the Easter festivities to begin: dinner, egg hunt, and a visit from the Easter bunny! This past month is always filled with mixed emotions, but we have been doing well and keeping busy. Here are some of the other highlights of the past month: Joey loved playing with energetic Jessie in the snow, Joey also had a blast helping me make some vegan pasta and vegan ravioli. Jill enjoyed it but got bored quickly, Joey recently told me that he wants to be a chef! We planted a root view garden of carrots, radishes, and onions, Jill planted some "I love you" beans that are supposed to say I love you on their first bloom. We went with Andrew and Grandma to dinner at Domo 77 where the boys enjoyed watching the food chopped up and fires going right in front of them! We celebrated Nonna's birthday and then 12 days later mine. Java and Jessie posing for pictures at the end of the night. I did a freezing cold race on my birthday, where we were somewhat misdirected so a refund of our entrance fee and $10 off next race but took some pictures of the frigid day. Just 4 days later we had nice warm weather and were on spring break so we went to Cosley Zoo with Bethany and Lilly. They were so nice to get Joey and Jill hats from their Disney trip, which they both love and wear all the time, and both Joey and Jillian had a blast with Lilly at the zoo and back at home. And then finally last weekend we had Andrew and Emma over for a few hours to play outside, have dinner, and the boys played video games for a little bit while the girls got their nails done and then played their princess matching game. We had Emma and Andrew over for a while so that Auntie and Uncle could have some time to do some last minute packing. Which takes us to today...the movers are at their house and packing up! Moving weekend is here for them!

4 Years of Missing Joshua

We miss you and love you Joshua Roy... "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." -- Winnie the Pooh

Congrats Kevin and Nicole!

Yesterday Uncle Kevin and Auntie Nicole got married! Joey was honored to be a ring bearer and took his job seriously for the ceremony and then let loose on the dance floor at the reception! The day started getting to the hotel at 12:30 where the guys got ready, ate a bit, and took pictures as did the bride and her bridesmaids. The rest of us were hanging out in the lobby taking pictures and getting ready for the big day. Then it was time for the wedding! Post wedding pictures and getting ready for the reception. And the fun reception where Uncle Mikey gave a great speech, as well as others, a fun picture slide show (Thanks for including a picture of Josh, that meant so much!), great food, photo booth fun, dancing, and so much more! Congratulations Uncle Kevin and Auntie Nicole (and Amelia too!), we are so happy for you guys!

Catching up in pictures

Some exciting news is that Joey is going to be in Uncle Kevin and Auntie Nicole's wedding today! So before we get snap happy with pictures tonight I thought I should put some of the pictures from the last month or so of things we have been doing. Many post Christmas exchanges and gatherings. Here are some with the Miklautsch family and the Wayman family. A while back I started a fancy dinner night for our family: candles lit and china dishes out. This particular night we even added sparkling grape juice for the kids, but neither of them liked it. Oh well, it was leftover from the holidays but I guess that's why we still had it-no one else wanted to drink it either! Joey and Jillian both earned their allowance and decided they wanted to use their money to buy some crafts so a week or so back we had a craft day. And here are some pictures of Joey and the rest of the wedding party at the rehearsal. Joey got his own 99 Riches hat and shirt with is name on it (Uncle Kevin's side job clothing line for "No Wasted Talent"). Joey is quite excited for today! Can't wait for the wedding!

It's Been A While...

Yes, it has been a while since I last blogged. I can come up with a million excuses: we have been very busy, enjoying so many gatherings with friends, family, other activities. But really that's not it, it is just hard. It has been hard. Grief ebbs and flows, it is never quite in the background, it is always there, but Christmas time and being with family, watching Joey and Jill's eyes light up in wonder is priceless. Jillian's birthday is a reminder of God's grace, just like her middle name. But once it's all come and gone I can't escape with fun festivities I have to face the fact that it is my winter time. It is not the seasonal affective disorder or winter blahs I'm talking about, but the anxiety of facing another year without Josh, of realizing time is moving on. I don't want time to move on, I want to go back. I want to hold Josh, I want 3 kids in my arms, in my house, as my responsibility. I don't want to be faced with the 4th anniversary--seriously where does the time go--without having Joshua. I know it is not in my control, I know that God is in control, Joshua is in His house and I have to do the best I can with the blessings I have been given. A few weeks back I was asked by my boss to take on an account that would not be permanent but was an account that I was asked to do so the company would have some growth that they felt only I could help them with. It was a huge compliment and on top of that it would be a good chunk of change as well. However it would have changed schedules significantly for 4 months and I was forced to figure out what to do. My boss even offered her sister up to watch our kids, again a huge compliment to know that they felt so strongly about the work I do, but I had to sit down and put pieces back together. I wake up at 4:15 most mornings to go to work and then go back to work in the evenings sometimes until after 9 so that I am able to be with my kids. Before having kids I thought I would never be a "stay at home mom," and even though I work more than 20 hours a week I still categorize myself as such, but I realized I wanted to be there as much as I could until they were in school for a full day. I had to stop, realize what I was trying to do, of course discuss to exhaustion and then revisit a new set up scenario with Phil who was so patient and understanding with it all, but I had to go full circle to realize why I am doing this. I had to think about driving down to the city again, the same route I took to change shifts with Phil as to who was at Josh's bedside. To this day I can't cross the bridge on 290 going into the city without getting a lump in my throat and a drop in my stomach. Whenever I've ran past Children's in the Chicago marathon after I had Jill, and the half marathon 2 years ago I get teared up and choked up to the point where I'm not sure if I can run and breath anymore. Well, like everything else things change. Children's is now gone and the new hospital is now up. I'm still not sure how I feel about that. In the past I have told you that we are on the Family Advisory Council for CDH. They are working on building a Ronald McDonald House across from CDH and our last meeting was providing information, feedback and experiences as NICU and PICU families. We spent many nights at RMHC in the city. Another place that I wanted to go back to and cook meals for the families living there, but physically getting there was an emotional obstacle. Now I will have the opportunity to do more for families in similar situations as us and I am very grateful for that. Again, that meeting brought so many feelings positive and negative back about the last few weeks of Josh's life and how our life as a family was at that time. All to be done over again in a heartbeat I can guarantee speaking for myself, Phil, and Joey. As the new year begins, I have been preparing for the 5th Annual Charge for CHARGE 5k. That's right, 5th, again a milestone, something telling me that time is moving quite quickly. With this "winter" holding heavier in my heart this year I am so grateful that Miya is helping me with so much of the 5k and it means so much to know that she cares and of course I am grateful that her personality matches mine in terms of perfectionism! We already have registration online if you are ready to sign up for the 5k on June 29! A heavy heart also with knowing that we are not going to the CHARGE conference this year. Something we have struggled with, but have decided not to do this year. I feel like it is slipping away from the CHARGE community, although I am so excited that Ellen will head our way from Australia and visit when she is in the US for the conference! Ellen mentioned she would like to go to Assumption and let a balloon with a message go, as well as visit Crystal's resting place. I think this would be so wonderful, so thank you for that Ellen! Another mystery, and something I am not ready to speak about but want to have here as reference if not only for myself is Simply Thick. I don't mean to leave it at that, but I have to at this point. I have mentioned in the past as well that I am particularly comforted by the fact that Josh passed during the lenten season. More than Christmas I love the readings and gospels around Easter. It is a huge comfort to me to hear and I feel it is "safe" to shed a tear at church if I need to. It helps me to get through the next month knowing that Joshua is safe in the arms of God and that God's, and lent being a time for self denial, soul searching and spiritual preparation I feel like I can accept and even be grateful for all circumstances. Thank you for allowing me to get some things off my chest. I felt like I had been neglecting the blog, and even looking back it had turned into just posting pictures. It does not mean that more hasn't been happening, and I really don't want to let the "Joshua's Journeys" posts slip away like I feel a lot of other things are, but the fact of the matter is there is still pain, grief, desire, despair, and disappointment that I work through every day. But I don't want time to slip away and not post memories or thoughts, but there is no control over time and It's Been A While...

Jill's birthday, party, and new year's

After Christmas and Joey and Jill's share of croup, we were ready to celebrate Jillian's 3rd birthday! We almost had to cancel her party, but since most people were going to be coming no matter what, and she had a good 2 days worth of medicine, her croup was caught early, and she was already feeling better just a bit more tired than usual, we went ahead with her birthday party. The day before her birthday and party Grandma stopped over to bring Jill her present a day early...a bike! The next day was Jill's real birthday! We had her My Little Pony party and outside being a little tired during presents Jill did really well and enjoyed playing with and entertaining her guests. And the next day was New Year's Eve which we celebrated at Pilot Pete's: dinner and a countdown on the hour, which we got to countdown to "midnight" twice! Joey, Jillian, Andrew and Emma had a great time, as did the rest of us. We even got pomegranates as we left, apparently good luck for the new year-who knew? But I have had some great pomegranate smoothies because of it, yum!