Friday, February 15, 2013

It's Been A While...

Yes, it has been a while since I last blogged. I can come up with a million excuses: we have been very busy, enjoying so many gatherings with friends, family, other activities. But really that's not it, it is just hard. It has been hard. Grief ebbs and flows, it is never quite in the background, it is always there, but Christmas time and being with family, watching Joey and Jill's eyes light up in wonder is priceless. Jillian's birthday is a reminder of God's grace, just like her middle name. But once it's all come and gone I can't escape with fun festivities I have to face the fact that it is my winter time. It is not the seasonal affective disorder or winter blahs I'm talking about, but the anxiety of facing another year without Josh, of realizing time is moving on. I don't want time to move on, I want to go back. I want to hold Josh, I want 3 kids in my arms, in my house, as my responsibility. I don't want to be faced with the 4th anniversary--seriously where does the time go--without having Joshua. I know it is not in my control, I know that God is in control, Joshua is in His house and I have to do the best I can with the blessings I have been given. A few weeks back I was asked by my boss to take on an account that would not be permanent but was an account that I was asked to do so the company would have some growth that they felt only I could help them with. It was a huge compliment and on top of that it would be a good chunk of change as well. However it would have changed schedules significantly for 4 months and I was forced to figure out what to do. My boss even offered her sister up to watch our kids, again a huge compliment to know that they felt so strongly about the work I do, but I had to sit down and put pieces back together. I wake up at 4:15 most mornings to go to work and then go back to work in the evenings sometimes until after 9 so that I am able to be with my kids. Before having kids I thought I would never be a "stay at home mom," and even though I work more than 20 hours a week I still categorize myself as such, but I realized I wanted to be there as much as I could until they were in school for a full day. I had to stop, realize what I was trying to do, of course discuss to exhaustion and then revisit a new set up scenario with Phil who was so patient and understanding with it all, but I had to go full circle to realize why I am doing this. I had to think about driving down to the city again, the same route I took to change shifts with Phil as to who was at Josh's bedside. To this day I can't cross the bridge on 290 going into the city without getting a lump in my throat and a drop in my stomach. Whenever I've ran past Children's in the Chicago marathon after I had Jill, and the half marathon 2 years ago I get teared up and choked up to the point where I'm not sure if I can run and breath anymore. Well, like everything else things change. Children's is now gone and the new hospital is now up. I'm still not sure how I feel about that. In the past I have told you that we are on the Family Advisory Council for CDH. They are working on building a Ronald McDonald House across from CDH and our last meeting was providing information, feedback and experiences as NICU and PICU families. We spent many nights at RMHC in the city. Another place that I wanted to go back to and cook meals for the families living there, but physically getting there was an emotional obstacle. Now I will have the opportunity to do more for families in similar situations as us and I am very grateful for that. Again, that meeting brought so many feelings positive and negative back about the last few weeks of Josh's life and how our life as a family was at that time. All to be done over again in a heartbeat I can guarantee speaking for myself, Phil, and Joey. As the new year begins, I have been preparing for the 5th Annual Charge for CHARGE 5k. That's right, 5th, again a milestone, something telling me that time is moving quite quickly. With this "winter" holding heavier in my heart this year I am so grateful that Miya is helping me with so much of the 5k and it means so much to know that she cares and of course I am grateful that her personality matches mine in terms of perfectionism! We already have registration online if you are ready to sign up for the 5k on June 29! A heavy heart also with knowing that we are not going to the CHARGE conference this year. Something we have struggled with, but have decided not to do this year. I feel like it is slipping away from the CHARGE community, although I am so excited that Ellen will head our way from Australia and visit when she is in the US for the conference! Ellen mentioned she would like to go to Assumption and let a balloon with a message go, as well as visit Crystal's resting place. I think this would be so wonderful, so thank you for that Ellen! Another mystery, and something I am not ready to speak about but want to have here as reference if not only for myself is Simply Thick. I don't mean to leave it at that, but I have to at this point. I have mentioned in the past as well that I am particularly comforted by the fact that Josh passed during the lenten season. More than Christmas I love the readings and gospels around Easter. It is a huge comfort to me to hear and I feel it is "safe" to shed a tear at church if I need to. It helps me to get through the next month knowing that Joshua is safe in the arms of God and that God's, and lent being a time for self denial, soul searching and spiritual preparation I feel like I can accept and even be grateful for all circumstances. Thank you for allowing me to get some things off my chest. I felt like I had been neglecting the blog, and even looking back it had turned into just posting pictures. It does not mean that more hasn't been happening, and I really don't want to let the "Joshua's Journeys" posts slip away like I feel a lot of other things are, but the fact of the matter is there is still pain, grief, desire, despair, and disappointment that I work through every day. But I don't want time to slip away and not post memories or thoughts, but there is no control over time and It's Been A While...

3 comments:

Marissa Kaye said...

Praying for you friend. I'm in the trenches with you for sure.

ellen howe said...

love u mummy friend these times are hard i jsut wish i could bring him back for you id love to meet him and kiss him all over like i did when i met oru eva and like i did to another little charger on the last morning of the conf in orlando the mummy was worried id wake her up but i didmt i jsut smothered that face in kisses i might smother the grave stone in kisses tho and make you video it cant wait to see you i will email you dates and things when i know if im around at the rite time id love to join the 5k but i dont want to register for that just yet incase but when i know for certain ill be registering i was even talking about u and josh to another mum who wants to do one in her state XXXX

Lisa and Kennedy said...

I'm happy Ellen is visiting with you this summer, how lovely. Sad that we will miss you at conference but I understand.

I miss you and I wish you were on FB so I could see you more often! ;)
Hugs to you my friend...
xoxo