It does not get easier. Who ever said that? Must've been someone who just wishes all is well. I think last year I was so anxious anticipating March 14 that when the day actually came I had already had my catharsis and did "okay." Not to say I am not anxious this year, I feel I am just as much, but I think I thought the pain, the longing, the healing would have happened by now. I am reminded daily that this is a life long process, that I will never "get over it" nor should I. I was placed in this role for a reason. I have learned so much about who my family and friends really are, how I want to surround myself with love and not worry about petty things that ultimately do not matter, but to live each moment.
I am not going to lie. I ache and I hurt, but I also love and want to seek more. I am constantly reminded of all the lives Joshua has touched: the NICU staff still talks about him, other hospital staff through the parent advisory council, Easter Seals, my "real job" when I work with trached and g-tube fed kids, all the people involved in the CHARGE runs, the CHARGE Syndrome Foundation, our friends, family, our immediate family, and so many others. Still, I sometimes feel Josh's memory is slipping away. Jillian is getting bigger and the comparisons of Josh are escaping...there isn't a baby around doing the things that Josh did. Looking at Joey, I can only wonder what Joshua would be doing now.
Still with each teary moment, sleepless night, unending desire to see, dream, smell, suction, hug, feed, bathe, do anything with Joshua again I find great comfort in knowing Josh is with the Lord. At our church when a child is baptized our previous pastor would hold up the baby after being baptized in the holy water and say "Behold the face of God." Josh was baptized in the NICU in a much more intimate spot with only his Godparents, parents, and Father Tony present. Josh did not have the opportunity to be held up in front of a big congregation with those words rejoicing out loud. I remember Phil and I loving that phrase, and each of us crying our own renewing tears when Joey was baptized by Father Tri in our church with Josh a few mile away resting in the NICU. I am comforted by the fact that Josh moved into heaven during the Lenten season. It is a reminder to me while I am waiting to be called home, that Josh has seen the face of God, he is one with his maker, and there will be a day when I will be reunited with Joshua and see the face of God.