Thursday, February 24, 2011

Joshua's Journeys #52 Lead Me

We are entering the dreaded "anniversary" last days of Josh's life on earth. I am not good with dates at all, but I can tell you almost every surgery date and hospitalization date of Josh's. I can't stand March, and could care less about my birthday anymore. Its not even the typical "I'm getting another year older" dread, I wish it were that simple. I wish I could say that for my 30th birthday I got a tattoo because I am that crazy of a gal, but instead I got it to remember my first born son who has impacted my life in ways I never thought imaginable. I see St. Patrick's Day things in the store or in magazines and it literally makes my stomach turn. All I know and associate with St. Patrick's day is that is the day we held a funeral for our son. I used to appreciate St. Joseph's day, donning red to show my Italian colors, but now all I can think of is the conversation I had with my grandfather (another Joseph) the day after burying Josh. I remember him explaining to me on the phone in one of the longest phone conversations I ever had with him how he felt in World War II; how certain things will never leave you, that some people will never understand nor care to try to understand, and that I have been changed forever come what may.

I know that I am still learning, still grieving, and still praying. I have two other children on earth that I cherish and love. I don't take one milestone for granted. As much as I dread this "season" I also take comfort in knowing our God is good. My faith and trust in the Lord has grown and I will patiently wait for Him to lead me.

Lead Me by Sanctus Real
I look around and see my wonderful life,
almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?
Show me your willing to fight
That I'm still the love of our life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone."

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent, but on the inside
I can hear them saying...

"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone."

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father show me the way
To lead them
Won't you lead me?

To lead them, with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up.
I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone
Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone.

4 comments:

ellen charge said...

it will never heal never be easier and i love you

Crystal M. said...

Hugs!! I know Angelversaries are hard for everyone, I know when you do something special for them it can help. I will light a candle for you and Josh as well as try and release a balloon like I always do for our angels.
Hugs!!

Nonna and Grampa said...

You write with eloquence, your words open a window into the continued struggle of a mother who has lost her son--a struggle that remains fresh and raw. You are, as always, courageous and loving. March is a hard month for us to go through. Dad and I hold you and Phil and Joey and Jill close to our hearts during this "season." We love you.

Christy said...

Yeah, March really sucks...hasn't been pleasant for 2 years now and I dread it more and more as time goes on. Not only my Joshy, but my Mary have been lost to this month. I will try to use the time to reflect on the good things that they taught me and the good memories I have, but the pain of loss is not far behind. I can't imagine what you go through as parents, but as always we are here for you. I will even provide Shamrock Shakes, maybe the ONE good thing about March!?