Monday, March 1, 2010

Joshua's Journeys #32 March Madness

As I have been doing Joshua's Journeys I have been recalling some of the events that happened on those days last year. Of course so much more happened, more appointments, more milestones, more fun and love than I could ever blog about, but that is why I hope to continue Josh's Journeys for years to come. I will never be able to put down in words all the great moments we have experienced with Joshua. I noticed in January I started having a hard time blogging about his bronchoscopy, it was the first time I had taken Josh to Children's and where he would take his last breath on earth. I have been dreading the month of March, knowing the anniversary of his passing is approaching. While I think of and reminisce about Josh more often than you could fathom, I have been very anxious and apprehensive about this month. Like I have mentioned in Josh's Journeys in the past I have talked about things that had happened last year on the same date this year, but as the days get closer to I realize I cannot and do not want to discuss the events of Josh's passing. I know everyone has questions about it. Only Josh, his mommy, and daddy know the horrific events of the night/early morning hour that he passed. Even the doctors found themselves dumbfounded. We have never shared the details of that night with anyone, there are way too many emotions, vivid images, and heartache that may never heal from that night. Over the years I am sure many things will come out from the days leading up to his passing, but we may never be able to share the last intimate moments with Josh. I will say he was surrounded by love, we prayed over him within seconds of his last heart rhythm, and we have learned how to have a relationship with him that grows even though he is not here on earth. We have constant reminders when we look into the eyes of Joey (knowing a part of Joey is in heaven) and Jillian (knowing a part of her was sent from Josh). We love you Joshy and can't wait to be reunited as a family again someday.

Here is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman who unfortunately knows about losing one of his children. He lost his daughter in February and had kept a journal which he later turned into an album. The whole album hits home for me, but this song and "Beauty Will Rise" are the two I love the most and remind me of Joshua the most.

Heaven Is the Face
Heaven is the face of a little girlWith dark brown eyes that disappear when she smiles
Heaven is the place where she calls my name, says "Daddy please come play with me for a while."

God, I know it's all of this and so much more,
but you know that this is what I'm aching for
God you know, I just can't see beyond the door,
So right now,

Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep, lying on my chest falling fast asleep while I sing.
And heaven is the weight of her in my arms, being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams.

And God I know it's all of this and so much more,
but God you know that this is what I'm longing for
God you know I just can't see beyond the door

But in my mind's eye I can see a place where your glory fills every empty space.
All the cancer's gone, every mouth is fed, and there's no one left in the orphan's bed
Every lonely heart finds their one true love, and there's no more goodbye, and no more not enough
And there's no more enemy, no more

Heaven is a sweet maple syrup kiss, and a thousand other little things I miss with her gone
Heaven is the place where she takes my hand and leads me to You, and we both run into Your arms

Oh, God I know it's so much more than I can dream, it's far beyond anything I can conceive
So God, You know, I'm trusting you, until I see
Heaven in the face of my little girl
Heaven in the face of my little girl


Crystal M. said...

I sit here reading your post with tears in my eyes, I know Josh's passing what had use meet but I wish I would have found you all sooner. I can see in the pics of Josh that he had such a spirit about him.
My thoughts and prayers are always with you all,
Crystal and Eva

Nonna and Grampa said...

I too have felt apprehensive about the approach of March. I can only imagine the depth of your heartache, because our heartache over Josh's passing is still fresh and raw. As the day approaches the images of Joshy are vivid, both beautiful and heartbreaking. We love you and Phil and Joshy and Joey and Jillian so much... We miss Joshy, we will feel his absence always.

Christy said...

There are no words to describe that night from my own experience, I can't imagine how either of you would even start. Your moments with Joshy are your own, but know we are always here if you want to share them. I love to hear about things I didn't know before and remember with you the good and bad.