It's Been A While...

Yes, it has been a while since I last blogged. I can come up with a million excuses: we have been very busy, enjoying so many gatherings with friends, family, other activities. But really that's not it, it is just hard. It has been hard. Grief ebbs and flows, it is never quite in the background, it is always there, but Christmas time and being with family, watching Joey and Jill's eyes light up in wonder is priceless. Jillian's birthday is a reminder of God's grace, just like her middle name. But once it's all come and gone I can't escape with fun festivities I have to face the fact that it is my winter time. It is not the seasonal affective disorder or winter blahs I'm talking about, but the anxiety of facing another year without Josh, of realizing time is moving on. I don't want time to move on, I want to go back. I want to hold Josh, I want 3 kids in my arms, in my house, as my responsibility. I don't want to be faced with the 4th anniversary--seriously where does the time go--without having Joshua. I know it is not in my control, I know that God is in control, Joshua is in His house and I have to do the best I can with the blessings I have been given. A few weeks back I was asked by my boss to take on an account that would not be permanent but was an account that I was asked to do so the company would have some growth that they felt only I could help them with. It was a huge compliment and on top of that it would be a good chunk of change as well. However it would have changed schedules significantly for 4 months and I was forced to figure out what to do. My boss even offered her sister up to watch our kids, again a huge compliment to know that they felt so strongly about the work I do, but I had to sit down and put pieces back together. I wake up at 4:15 most mornings to go to work and then go back to work in the evenings sometimes until after 9 so that I am able to be with my kids. Before having kids I thought I would never be a "stay at home mom," and even though I work more than 20 hours a week I still categorize myself as such, but I realized I wanted to be there as much as I could until they were in school for a full day. I had to stop, realize what I was trying to do, of course discuss to exhaustion and then revisit a new set up scenario with Phil who was so patient and understanding with it all, but I had to go full circle to realize why I am doing this. I had to think about driving down to the city again, the same route I took to change shifts with Phil as to who was at Josh's bedside. To this day I can't cross the bridge on 290 going into the city without getting a lump in my throat and a drop in my stomach. Whenever I've ran past Children's in the Chicago marathon after I had Jill, and the half marathon 2 years ago I get teared up and choked up to the point where I'm not sure if I can run and breath anymore. Well, like everything else things change. Children's is now gone and the new hospital is now up. I'm still not sure how I feel about that. In the past I have told you that we are on the Family Advisory Council for CDH. They are working on building a Ronald McDonald House across from CDH and our last meeting was providing information, feedback and experiences as NICU and PICU families. We spent many nights at RMHC in the city. Another place that I wanted to go back to and cook meals for the families living there, but physically getting there was an emotional obstacle. Now I will have the opportunity to do more for families in similar situations as us and I am very grateful for that. Again, that meeting brought so many feelings positive and negative back about the last few weeks of Josh's life and how our life as a family was at that time. All to be done over again in a heartbeat I can guarantee speaking for myself, Phil, and Joey. As the new year begins, I have been preparing for the 5th Annual Charge for CHARGE 5k. That's right, 5th, again a milestone, something telling me that time is moving quite quickly. With this "winter" holding heavier in my heart this year I am so grateful that Miya is helping me with so much of the 5k and it means so much to know that she cares and of course I am grateful that her personality matches mine in terms of perfectionism! We already have registration online if you are ready to sign up for the 5k on June 29! A heavy heart also with knowing that we are not going to the CHARGE conference this year. Something we have struggled with, but have decided not to do this year. I feel like it is slipping away from the CHARGE community, although I am so excited that Ellen will head our way from Australia and visit when she is in the US for the conference! Ellen mentioned she would like to go to Assumption and let a balloon with a message go, as well as visit Crystal's resting place. I think this would be so wonderful, so thank you for that Ellen! Another mystery, and something I am not ready to speak about but want to have here as reference if not only for myself is Simply Thick. I don't mean to leave it at that, but I have to at this point. I have mentioned in the past as well that I am particularly comforted by the fact that Josh passed during the lenten season. More than Christmas I love the readings and gospels around Easter. It is a huge comfort to me to hear and I feel it is "safe" to shed a tear at church if I need to. It helps me to get through the next month knowing that Joshua is safe in the arms of God and that God's, and lent being a time for self denial, soul searching and spiritual preparation I feel like I can accept and even be grateful for all circumstances. Thank you for allowing me to get some things off my chest. I felt like I had been neglecting the blog, and even looking back it had turned into just posting pictures. It does not mean that more hasn't been happening, and I really don't want to let the "Joshua's Journeys" posts slip away like I feel a lot of other things are, but the fact of the matter is there is still pain, grief, desire, despair, and disappointment that I work through every day. But I don't want time to slip away and not post memories or thoughts, but there is no control over time and It's Been A While...

Jill's birthday, party, and new year's

After Christmas and Joey and Jill's share of croup, we were ready to celebrate Jillian's 3rd birthday! We almost had to cancel her party, but since most people were going to be coming no matter what, and she had a good 2 days worth of medicine, her croup was caught early, and she was already feeling better just a bit more tired than usual, we went ahead with her birthday party. The day before her birthday and party Grandma stopped over to bring Jill her present a day early...a bike! The next day was Jill's real birthday! We had her My Little Pony party and outside being a little tired during presents Jill did really well and enjoyed playing with and entertaining her guests. And the next day was New Year's Eve which we celebrated at Pilot Pete's: dinner and a countdown on the hour, which we got to countdown to "midnight" twice! Joey, Jillian, Andrew and Emma had a great time, as did the rest of us. We even got pomegranates as we left, apparently good luck for the new year-who knew? But I have had some great pomegranate smoothies because of it, yum!

Happy 3rd Birthday Jillian!

At 8:24am December 30, 2009 Jillian Grace entered our world. She was our miracle baby, and proves that she has the fight, stubbornness, joy for life, and love that Josh had as well. Jillian truly was brought to us by the grace of God and continues to shine life and love into our hearts. Our little drama mama and dancing queen, Jillian definitely lives in the moment and enjoys it all. Happy 3rd Birthday Jill! A year in pictures...

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to you and yours! We hope you had a happy and healthy holiday. We certainly enjoyed ourselves, even if Joey ended up getting croup at 1am Christmas Eve and is still having some rough nights. He was still in the best of spirits considering and both Joey and Jill got more than they could have ever asked for. We started out Christmas Eve day at Joey and Jillian's school for a Children's Service. It is always followed by singing Happy Birthday to Jesus and having cake! What better way to start the Christmas celebrations than to have cake in church! I have one picture on my phone which I of course forgot to transfer, I'll try to get that up here. We host Christmas Eve with Kurby/Klinger family and had a great time! Even though Joey was up a good portion of the night he managed to sleep enough for Santa to make his way in to fill stockings and bring presents! Joey rested when he could, but was running around and doing well all day on Christmas. Jillian also cooperated with an early nap so we could head to Grandma's for Christmas dinner and family fun! Christmas night was rough for Joey, we took him to the doctor and he is resting up and getting better for Jill's birthday party. We are hoping that Jill doesn't get it as well. I guess its that season though! More fun to come this weekend, but we hope you had a wonderful holiday!

Merry Christmas!

Ok, the camera has been cleared. The following posts are the past week, and I will not post til after Christmas with all the joy the holiday is sure to bring! We hope you have a great holiday!

Joey's Holiday Program

Friday was Joey's turn, and it was a different program with different songs and poems. Joey had a big smile on his face and did a great job. He was very excited to bring us our gift of an ornament he made for our tree. Since it was one week since the horrific events in Conneticut, before the program began the pastor says a prayer and speaks a bit about the services for the holidays and about his children when they were our kids' ages. He did this both days, but this being the week after, he also said the name of each victim, followed by a bell being rung, there was a moment of silence and a nice prayer for those that are grieving. He spoke how the bells changed their tune in a moment as the kids outside were ringing their bells to start the program. Whenever Joey has programs like this I can't help but be a bit more emotional or sensitive wishing Josh were alongside him. Joey is such a patient and loving boy that I know if Josh were with us he would be holding his hand, including him, and spreading so much love. So after the bells ringing one tone to another, reflecting on grief of losing little ones so innocent, followed by a bunch of smiling sweet faces the same age as many of the children's lives that were taken, and ringing bells... lets just say it was an emotional moment!

Jill's Holiday Program

Here is Jill's first holiday program at school. She loves being in the spotlight, and had a lot of fun singing her songs and ringing her bells.